There was an interesting conversation in the staff room yesterday. It wasn't the one about the cost of pizzas. But it came somewhere in that discussion somehow. Or perhaps it just interupted the enthralling Pizza Comparison.
A student (I believe ex student) was being discussed; his behaviour and his issues. The question was asked, "You know he's got two dads?"
Of course, when such a question is asked my ears prick up. Because the responses that follow can really say a lot about the mentality of the people that I am surrounded by.
The responses, on this occasion, were slightly odd. But not overly surprising.
Teacher One asked, "What does that mean?"
When explained, another commented, "Oh I just thought his mum must have remarried."
Tame.
And then...
"His father is actually quite good looking, which is a shame."
And then my favourite:
"No wonder he is confused and acting out then. He would have to be trying to work it out, it's wrong."
I have always sensed that this particular teacher's husband was unnecessarily hostile towards me in social situations. I guess I need not wonder any longer.
Another teacher, before commenting, apologised to me with that "No offense" thing that people always do. Honestly though, I don't actually give a shit about outdated opinions or religion delivered beliefs. It is shallow and unresearched.
However, it is still a large reality in our "first world". Movements are being made. Things are slowly changing. But minds do not turn so quickly. This whole conversation made me think about the issue that has been on my mind for perhaps a year. Maybe more. The adoption issue.
I think that I actually would have been a fairly good father. Sometimes I am a little unstable in my behaviour, but I think a child would actually have sorted me out a bit on that score. I think I would have been firm but fair. I would not have stood for some of the nonsense that I see from some parents out in the community. My child/ children would have known respect, manners and common decency. They would have known right and wrong and they would have known that actions have consequences. Unfortunately, as demonstrated in a Primary School Staffroom yesterday, they would have known prejudice and ridicule as a result of their parent. They would be seen as abnormal and lesser people, and any imperfections would be blamed on the sexual preference of their dad. For all of the wanting that I may have had for a child, either my own or through adoption, my overwhelming fear was that I would cause a child to suffer needlessly, because of who or what I am.
I know a lot of lesbian couples, gay couples and single gay men and women are choosing to have children. This is a right that has now been granted, grudgingly. And I am happy for those who are happy to add to their family. I am sure that their children are not going without love, affection, education and protection. From where I sit, however, there remains so much prejudice, so much hate and poison; I could not allow a child into this world to be subjected to it. All the love in the world can not hide a society's hate. So, it is something I am resigned to living without.
Most of the time I am satisfied with my decision.
Sometimes I wonder though.
I could have remained in a relationship some years ago and been a co-parent of several children. Was I wrong to walk away from that? Sometimes I wonder.
But not on days where I hear such ridiculous and nasty things from educated, apparently intelligent people. On those days I know that I am protecting myself and my unknown offspring from the world of pain that continues to exist and break down all the love, care and self esteem that you can try to create for them.
A student (I believe ex student) was being discussed; his behaviour and his issues. The question was asked, "You know he's got two dads?"
Of course, when such a question is asked my ears prick up. Because the responses that follow can really say a lot about the mentality of the people that I am surrounded by.
The responses, on this occasion, were slightly odd. But not overly surprising.
Teacher One asked, "What does that mean?"
When explained, another commented, "Oh I just thought his mum must have remarried."
Tame.
And then...
"His father is actually quite good looking, which is a shame."
And then my favourite:
"No wonder he is confused and acting out then. He would have to be trying to work it out, it's wrong."
I have always sensed that this particular teacher's husband was unnecessarily hostile towards me in social situations. I guess I need not wonder any longer.
Another teacher, before commenting, apologised to me with that "No offense" thing that people always do. Honestly though, I don't actually give a shit about outdated opinions or religion delivered beliefs. It is shallow and unresearched.
However, it is still a large reality in our "first world". Movements are being made. Things are slowly changing. But minds do not turn so quickly. This whole conversation made me think about the issue that has been on my mind for perhaps a year. Maybe more. The adoption issue.
I think that I actually would have been a fairly good father. Sometimes I am a little unstable in my behaviour, but I think a child would actually have sorted me out a bit on that score. I think I would have been firm but fair. I would not have stood for some of the nonsense that I see from some parents out in the community. My child/ children would have known respect, manners and common decency. They would have known right and wrong and they would have known that actions have consequences. Unfortunately, as demonstrated in a Primary School Staffroom yesterday, they would have known prejudice and ridicule as a result of their parent. They would be seen as abnormal and lesser people, and any imperfections would be blamed on the sexual preference of their dad. For all of the wanting that I may have had for a child, either my own or through adoption, my overwhelming fear was that I would cause a child to suffer needlessly, because of who or what I am.
I know a lot of lesbian couples, gay couples and single gay men and women are choosing to have children. This is a right that has now been granted, grudgingly. And I am happy for those who are happy to add to their family. I am sure that their children are not going without love, affection, education and protection. From where I sit, however, there remains so much prejudice, so much hate and poison; I could not allow a child into this world to be subjected to it. All the love in the world can not hide a society's hate. So, it is something I am resigned to living without.
Most of the time I am satisfied with my decision.
Sometimes I wonder though.
I could have remained in a relationship some years ago and been a co-parent of several children. Was I wrong to walk away from that? Sometimes I wonder.
But not on days where I hear such ridiculous and nasty things from educated, apparently intelligent people. On those days I know that I am protecting myself and my unknown offspring from the world of pain that continues to exist and break down all the love, care and self esteem that you can try to create for them.
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