I avoided Grindr for a long time.
Firstly because I didn't need it.
Secondly because its shallow and wastes time.
But primarily, because despite the first two points, my addictive personality feeds into things like this and puts too much thought into the actions of people who should not matter to me. Strangers who are only interested in one thing.
I met my partner through a chat room. Many other people have too.
Although I would have liked to, I have very limited relationships with people that were formed in "traditional" ways; at parties, introduced by friends, even at a bar. I don't have the self esteem or the courage to attempt those things. Actually, not true. I GENERALLY do not have the courage and on the few times that I have worked up the courage to speak to someone in "normal" situations, I have ended up regretting that I even bothered.
(Raf's birthday where the person I liked just walked off to cooler people)
(The time I left the Shift with someone, only to be left standing on the street corner, after buying us both pizza, as he jumped in a taxi home.)
Chat rooms served their purpose. They made me some friendships. They got me some dates. They also got more short term experiences. I don't regret it.
They also brought a whole heap of heartache. I am not one who deals well with rejection or rudeness. I felt the stigma of being a "westie" constantly. Too far to be of any use to the city folk. Tell me how far Parramatta is from you and I will still react. And I was much further than Parramatta before.
It was just before I travelled to Georgia and Armenia this year that I installed Grindr onto my tablet. The reason was simple: I was fascinated to see how the app was being used in countries where being "out and proud" is hardly a safe option.
In addition, I am someone who likes to chat to people. Ok, these apps don't necessarily bring conversationalists. But I like to try.
I failed. There was no chatting. There were very direct responses or messages from David Beckham, Alexander Rybak, Cristiano Ronaldo. At least I presume it was from them, that's who I recognised from the profile pictures.
Next stop was Austria, for Eurovision. Where you would presume a lot of Grindr messages were going on. And I am sure they were. They were not to me though. I really did get to feeling 40! Not to mention the other things that were physically going on around me that week and I really did feel like I was on a whole different wavelength to the entire population.
I should have deleted the damn app after that, but I didn't.
In Phuket, the messaging was fairly constant. But again, they didn't seem to want to have a conversation. And the insinuation that I was no longer an attractive and worthwhile (even if not so young anymore) male and instead an open wallet, did upset me a bit.
So back in Parramatta.... and up to the present.
I met someone who lives 2 streets away this week. Through messaging on Grindr. However, I was upfront about myself and what I was using the app for. We agreed on dinner and chat and hopefully a friendship. I hope that it will continue to turn out that way. I was relieved to find that he had many of the qualities that I saw as positive from myself. In fact, many of my characteristics fullstop.
To the point that I feel like I am holding a conversation with myself, about 15 years ago, at times.
And here's where that is a bad thing!
I saw these apps as something that would have really helped someone like me, back when I was younger. To feel better about myself and to feel like there were people around. Interested people. It may have been superficial. But it would have been good for me.
Grindr, however, does my head in. Because people actually believe their own bullshit.
* Make sure you reply if I message you. You are rude if you don't.
( Guess what response I got when I actually messaged him....)
* I am not superficial at all.
( I messaged this guy, who responded with " Why would I speak to you, old man? This isn't Thailand you know". That sounds sort of... ummmm.... superficial...?)
* I am only looking to make friends
(This guy replied that I am not their type, which interests me, as I didn't know you could work out common interests and our ability to converse from my photo.)
And then of course there are the other 90%, who don't even bother with replying to you if you send a message.
Thank God for my first point, that I do not NEED this app.
Many profile pictures on Grindr (and the like) are simply body shots. It shits me that these faceless cowards are so quick to judge those of us with a face, without the worry of getting the same treatment in return.
I am growing more comfortable with how I look as I grow older. I'm no model but I am doing ok to look my age and get fit. Something I have to keep in mind when on these apps.
Which brings me back to my new friend.
He is in his late 20s. He is single. He is white, tall, friendly... and with that same damaging self worth crisis that I had. That is made a million times worse by relying on grindr to feel attractive.
Why did I believe these technologies would have made me happier?
If anything, the users on there are more bitchy, judgemental and rude than any of us were back in the chat room days. It is clear that any sort of lasting commitment is long gone to this bunch. It seems that people have forgotten that at some point you get lazy and put on weight, you age and get wrinkles, and you end up alone. Because the only people you have bothered to attract are your superficial dickhead party friends.
And this new friend of mine is searching for a little more than that. Where the hell can you find that any more?
I felt really depressed today. He asked me if he is good enough.
I think he is better than most of them to be honest. But that is not going to be a comfort to him. It wasn't for me.
I think I am sad because I am now finding myself staring at younger me, and having to say:
Nope. It doesn't get better.
You just learn to hide the scars.
Firstly because I didn't need it.
Secondly because its shallow and wastes time.
But primarily, because despite the first two points, my addictive personality feeds into things like this and puts too much thought into the actions of people who should not matter to me. Strangers who are only interested in one thing.
I met my partner through a chat room. Many other people have too.
Although I would have liked to, I have very limited relationships with people that were formed in "traditional" ways; at parties, introduced by friends, even at a bar. I don't have the self esteem or the courage to attempt those things. Actually, not true. I GENERALLY do not have the courage and on the few times that I have worked up the courage to speak to someone in "normal" situations, I have ended up regretting that I even bothered.
(Raf's birthday where the person I liked just walked off to cooler people)
(The time I left the Shift with someone, only to be left standing on the street corner, after buying us both pizza, as he jumped in a taxi home.)
Chat rooms served their purpose. They made me some friendships. They got me some dates. They also got more short term experiences. I don't regret it.
They also brought a whole heap of heartache. I am not one who deals well with rejection or rudeness. I felt the stigma of being a "westie" constantly. Too far to be of any use to the city folk. Tell me how far Parramatta is from you and I will still react. And I was much further than Parramatta before.
It was just before I travelled to Georgia and Armenia this year that I installed Grindr onto my tablet. The reason was simple: I was fascinated to see how the app was being used in countries where being "out and proud" is hardly a safe option.
In addition, I am someone who likes to chat to people. Ok, these apps don't necessarily bring conversationalists. But I like to try.
I failed. There was no chatting. There were very direct responses or messages from David Beckham, Alexander Rybak, Cristiano Ronaldo. At least I presume it was from them, that's who I recognised from the profile pictures.
Next stop was Austria, for Eurovision. Where you would presume a lot of Grindr messages were going on. And I am sure they were. They were not to me though. I really did get to feeling 40! Not to mention the other things that were physically going on around me that week and I really did feel like I was on a whole different wavelength to the entire population.
I should have deleted the damn app after that, but I didn't.
In Phuket, the messaging was fairly constant. But again, they didn't seem to want to have a conversation. And the insinuation that I was no longer an attractive and worthwhile (even if not so young anymore) male and instead an open wallet, did upset me a bit.
So back in Parramatta.... and up to the present.
I met someone who lives 2 streets away this week. Through messaging on Grindr. However, I was upfront about myself and what I was using the app for. We agreed on dinner and chat and hopefully a friendship. I hope that it will continue to turn out that way. I was relieved to find that he had many of the qualities that I saw as positive from myself. In fact, many of my characteristics fullstop.
To the point that I feel like I am holding a conversation with myself, about 15 years ago, at times.
And here's where that is a bad thing!
I saw these apps as something that would have really helped someone like me, back when I was younger. To feel better about myself and to feel like there were people around. Interested people. It may have been superficial. But it would have been good for me.
Grindr, however, does my head in. Because people actually believe their own bullshit.
* Make sure you reply if I message you. You are rude if you don't.
( Guess what response I got when I actually messaged him....)
* I am not superficial at all.
( I messaged this guy, who responded with " Why would I speak to you, old man? This isn't Thailand you know". That sounds sort of... ummmm.... superficial...?)
* I am only looking to make friends
(This guy replied that I am not their type, which interests me, as I didn't know you could work out common interests and our ability to converse from my photo.)
And then of course there are the other 90%, who don't even bother with replying to you if you send a message.
Thank God for my first point, that I do not NEED this app.
Many profile pictures on Grindr (and the like) are simply body shots. It shits me that these faceless cowards are so quick to judge those of us with a face, without the worry of getting the same treatment in return.
I am growing more comfortable with how I look as I grow older. I'm no model but I am doing ok to look my age and get fit. Something I have to keep in mind when on these apps.
Which brings me back to my new friend.
He is in his late 20s. He is single. He is white, tall, friendly... and with that same damaging self worth crisis that I had. That is made a million times worse by relying on grindr to feel attractive.
Why did I believe these technologies would have made me happier?
If anything, the users on there are more bitchy, judgemental and rude than any of us were back in the chat room days. It is clear that any sort of lasting commitment is long gone to this bunch. It seems that people have forgotten that at some point you get lazy and put on weight, you age and get wrinkles, and you end up alone. Because the only people you have bothered to attract are your superficial dickhead party friends.
And this new friend of mine is searching for a little more than that. Where the hell can you find that any more?
I felt really depressed today. He asked me if he is good enough.
I think he is better than most of them to be honest. But that is not going to be a comfort to him. It wasn't for me.
I think I am sad because I am now finding myself staring at younger me, and having to say:
Nope. It doesn't get better.
You just learn to hide the scars.
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