I am not ready to post about Ruslan yet. I don't feel that it is something I can quickly whip up before I head off to work in the morning. I cherish that dear boy and I think I want to word that story right. So instead, I am watching the direct aftermath of our loss; particularly the impact on "baby" Cody.
Cody has always been the sick one. The needy one. He followed Ruslan everywhere. If Ruslan barked, Cody barked. If Ruslan marked a tree, Cody marked the same tree. A lot of us felt that Cody could not possibly continue to go on without Rus. But, with his medical issues, we never saw that as much of a reality.
Now it is. I watch with panic, trying to pick up on any hints that he is going to fall apart and follow his beloved brother into whatever place it is that they go to once they tire of being with us. I hope it is a better place. I hope they are happy there. And I hope they get to hang out with the ones they loved in this life. I hope Ruslan has located Nan already up there and jumped on her lap. I hope she is cursing him as we speak, like she always did. Because she "didn't like dogs". (She was lying. Ruslan loved her so much too, it is impossible she could have felt anything negative towards him)
So, it is now 6:30 am; the morning after. Yesterday was a sorrowful day.It was one of the hardest of my life. I expected this one to be worse. I expected my world to be further shattered when I woke up today.I did wake up earlier than I usually do. I lay in bed and thought about Ruslan. Everything Ruslan. Trying to keep them all happy. But the problem with that is that eventually, you reach the end of the story and you realise that no more memories can ever be stored. So of course, I started crying, as I have done so many times in the past 4 days.
At this point I should mention that Cody has not forgiven me for my "behaviour". On Monday and Tuesday, he was dirty with Ruslan as well. How dare he put on his lead and leave him behind, off in the car to somewhere. On tuesday he was especially angry. Ruslan was gone all day. Cody ran at him several times and barged him, growling and barking. Over the past week, Cody has attacked Ruslan at every scream and yelp. It waa something I could never quite fathom; if Ruslan ever indicated he was in any pain, Cody would run at him and bite. Loving!
Somewhere along the way though, Cody must have worked things out. Tuesday night was possibly the worst night of my entire life and the painful, mournful wailing will echo in my head forever. I hated myself for allowing Ruslan to ever get to that point of agony. At about 4:30 am, when he screamed in absolute agony, I expected Cody to instantly run at him. But instead, Cody rolled over and howled. I have already posted on the facbook photo how Ruslan put out his paw and touched Cody on the face when I said it was time to go. I don't think I will ever be able to picture that moment without bawling my eyes out. It was the single saddest, yet touching, moment I will ever experience between pets. I will talk about Ruslan and his paws another time though.
So, back to Cody being angry at me. He is still angry. Both those dogs can hold a mighty grudge. Cody won't be comforted by me for long at the moment. He resists my hugs and he won't look at me. This is tough, but I understand. I went away with his brother and returned with only his collar.
So, with both tears and delight I report on this morning, as I lay there crying about my baby Rus; Cody, had finally acceped my hugs and was stretched out beside my right arm on the bed. As my cries got louder and more distressing, I suddenly felt his little front paws, gripping tighter around my arm. It wasn't just a little stretch; he kept that arm in his grip for several minutes, until my crying sudsided. The little baby has stepped up!
Then we went to get up and he has ignored me again ever since. I will take that. He will forgive me at some point.
So does he miss Ruslan? I am sure he does. He goes out the back to go to the toilet and he has noone to follow. It was such an adventure before. Now, he walks a few steps, finds a spot, comes back inside. He drinks from Ruslan's water bowl. He has dragged Ruslan's pillow across the room. And this morning, he walked to every room in the house, looked in and barked. Just checking. Seeing if he will come out of any of them. He won't.
I don't doubt that his heart is broken. I am sure it is broken worse than mine. But so far he is holding together better than me, by far. I actually thought, as I went to bed last night, that I was in a better place. But this morning I can see that I won't be there for some time. But that is what grief is.
I wish cody could tell me what he is feeling. But he can't. I just have to presume he is trying to tell me that he is heartbroken, angry and in despair. But being brave and trying to look ahead. Which is where I hope I can be in good time.
Cody has always been the sick one. The needy one. He followed Ruslan everywhere. If Ruslan barked, Cody barked. If Ruslan marked a tree, Cody marked the same tree. A lot of us felt that Cody could not possibly continue to go on without Rus. But, with his medical issues, we never saw that as much of a reality.
Now it is. I watch with panic, trying to pick up on any hints that he is going to fall apart and follow his beloved brother into whatever place it is that they go to once they tire of being with us. I hope it is a better place. I hope they are happy there. And I hope they get to hang out with the ones they loved in this life. I hope Ruslan has located Nan already up there and jumped on her lap. I hope she is cursing him as we speak, like she always did. Because she "didn't like dogs". (She was lying. Ruslan loved her so much too, it is impossible she could have felt anything negative towards him)
So, it is now 6:30 am; the morning after. Yesterday was a sorrowful day.It was one of the hardest of my life. I expected this one to be worse. I expected my world to be further shattered when I woke up today.I did wake up earlier than I usually do. I lay in bed and thought about Ruslan. Everything Ruslan. Trying to keep them all happy. But the problem with that is that eventually, you reach the end of the story and you realise that no more memories can ever be stored. So of course, I started crying, as I have done so many times in the past 4 days.
At this point I should mention that Cody has not forgiven me for my "behaviour". On Monday and Tuesday, he was dirty with Ruslan as well. How dare he put on his lead and leave him behind, off in the car to somewhere. On tuesday he was especially angry. Ruslan was gone all day. Cody ran at him several times and barged him, growling and barking. Over the past week, Cody has attacked Ruslan at every scream and yelp. It waa something I could never quite fathom; if Ruslan ever indicated he was in any pain, Cody would run at him and bite. Loving!
Somewhere along the way though, Cody must have worked things out. Tuesday night was possibly the worst night of my entire life and the painful, mournful wailing will echo in my head forever. I hated myself for allowing Ruslan to ever get to that point of agony. At about 4:30 am, when he screamed in absolute agony, I expected Cody to instantly run at him. But instead, Cody rolled over and howled. I have already posted on the facbook photo how Ruslan put out his paw and touched Cody on the face when I said it was time to go. I don't think I will ever be able to picture that moment without bawling my eyes out. It was the single saddest, yet touching, moment I will ever experience between pets. I will talk about Ruslan and his paws another time though.
So, back to Cody being angry at me. He is still angry. Both those dogs can hold a mighty grudge. Cody won't be comforted by me for long at the moment. He resists my hugs and he won't look at me. This is tough, but I understand. I went away with his brother and returned with only his collar.
So, with both tears and delight I report on this morning, as I lay there crying about my baby Rus; Cody, had finally acceped my hugs and was stretched out beside my right arm on the bed. As my cries got louder and more distressing, I suddenly felt his little front paws, gripping tighter around my arm. It wasn't just a little stretch; he kept that arm in his grip for several minutes, until my crying sudsided. The little baby has stepped up!
Then we went to get up and he has ignored me again ever since. I will take that. He will forgive me at some point.
So does he miss Ruslan? I am sure he does. He goes out the back to go to the toilet and he has noone to follow. It was such an adventure before. Now, he walks a few steps, finds a spot, comes back inside. He drinks from Ruslan's water bowl. He has dragged Ruslan's pillow across the room. And this morning, he walked to every room in the house, looked in and barked. Just checking. Seeing if he will come out of any of them. He won't.
I don't doubt that his heart is broken. I am sure it is broken worse than mine. But so far he is holding together better than me, by far. I actually thought, as I went to bed last night, that I was in a better place. But this morning I can see that I won't be there for some time. But that is what grief is.
I wish cody could tell me what he is feeling. But he can't. I just have to presume he is trying to tell me that he is heartbroken, angry and in despair. But being brave and trying to look ahead. Which is where I hope I can be in good time.
No comments:
Post a Comment