New Year, New Attitude

In 2014, I choose to be positive.
In 2013, I chose not to write anything whatsoever. Even though I am sure I had plenty that I wanted to say. But in 2014, I choose to be positive.

In the past 2 days, I could have been side swiped by "merging" vehicles on no fewer than 5 occasions. It is a possibility every time you are on the road. It is also irritating.
But it is really not worth the anger and the negative feelings that linger for the next 10 minutes as you work out how to retaliate. God, if they even noticed that they potentially endangered your life, they are long past it and I am sure they don't care how you feel.
"Friend A", with whom I shared lunch today, asked if I had beeped at any of them. I replied that I had not. Why bother? What would I achieve? I braked, I avoided an incident, I got on with my task of driving. Oh, and I avoided further proximity issues with those who are not superior drivers such as myself. Noone died, noone was hurt, accidents happen and this (these) caused nothing.

Positivity is easy.

At lunch, Friend A brought up something that "Friend B" had said several weeks back. Namely, two Saturdays ago. B had noticed a comment on Facebook where I had mentioned my partner's birthday. A had been invited over, along with a few other friends of my PARTNER. A simple dinner and time together. A nice evening with people who all got along well.
B felt put out that he had not been invited and wanted A to speak to me about this. (Mind you, he had 3 birthday events last year and excluded me from each of them.) I replied to A, that B is not a friend of my partner. Nor has he attempted at any point to make himself a friend of my partner. Furthermore, I am not about to suggest people that my partner should invite to birthdays.
The topic ended.
But it no longer annoys me. In fact, I am letting it all go. I have been frustrated for several years by my former group of close friends. Wondering why I was not worthy of inclusion at the regular lunches. What I had done to distance myself. What I could do to repair the situation. But it no longer annoys me.

It no longer annoys me because I am who I am. I am who I was before, when we were close. I am who I was, when my former partner and myself were mutual friends. I did my best to balance the need to rid myself of a former relationship and retain the people that mattered. But if I matter less to them, it is them. Not me.
I have many and varied faults. I can be difficult to get along with. I have certain trigger issues and I can be demanding.
That makes me a human being.
I also have a whole bunch of great qualities.A lot of people also see those.

I realised some time ago that I was not cool. I have never been cool. Despite playing a guitar. Despite being a part time DJ. Despite everything I tried to do, cool and I do not mix. Accepting that and loving the people who don't need me to be cool. That is positive. And it feels liberating.

Friend B is a very long term friend. He knows a lot about me. But I do not need to continue tallying who did or didn't do this. It is petty. And it is negative. And I don't need it. So I choose to free myself from all of that stuff. I value the friendships but I understand that the chapter has changed and a new book is being written. They can be characters in the new book. But they are in a supporting role, where they don't create the events and drama. Or not at all.
Because in 2014, I choose to be positive.

In the car, back from lunch, Friend A and I had a great conversation. About life and the things that shaped who we are. The things that potentially ruined the future for us. I don't think I have expressed my "issues" so frankly before.
It felt great.
It made me feel the need to restart writing. Expressing. Letting go. Moving forward. So this is part one of healing.
Because 2014 is the year where I will let it go.
Because in 2014, I choose to be positive.

Good day, 2013.

Hello peoples. Hello 2013.

It seems like yesterday I was watching Pet Shop Boys from the comfort of my living room and ringing in 2012 and now, as with every one before it, the year has slipped away.

It was a year like every other year before it. Day followed night, night followed day, weekends fitted neatly at the end of sometimes overly long weeks. 366 days. (I suppose we don't see that every year.)

It was a year where we musically looked towards South Korea. (Didn't see that one coming.) It won't happen again, of this I am certain.
It was a year when we were uncertain about our Earth's fate, although I don't think too many of us were completely petrified.

For me, it was the year I lost my beautiful boy, Ruslan. This was a lowlight and I still miss him. But, as is always the case, the sun shines again and we continue to carry on and look forward.

It was also a rough year for me at work. For the first half of the year, anyway. Things definately improved over the second half, for which I am thankful. I am positive about the coming year. But I am not ready to broach it just yet. A few more weeks off first.
Work is made more bearable by the people you surround yourselves with whilst you are there. I work with some fantastic people, in my classroom and within the wider school community. People who work in tandem with me professionally. More importantly, people who care about how I feel on any given day. I hope I provide the same daily and emotional support to them as I feel that I receive.
Of course, that is not everyone and you will never get on with everybody. Specific mention to the newest colleague with whom I interact on a regular basis. With cake pops.

PS Cake Pops and chocolate are on the banned list for a time, while I try to get to the bottom of my breathing issues. They crop up and irritate me off and on and hopefully I can control them more this year.

I have shared time with some very special and important friends over the year and shared in their highs and lows. I hope this continues for many years. Looking forward to September 2013 Baltic Cruise and hope we have some more takers/ partakers!

New Year's Eve was spent at a Nepalese restaurant in Newtown. Not something I can say I have ever done before. It was fantastic. Enjoyed some great food and wonderful company. Intelligent conversation and amusing anecdotes. I feel grateful that I have connections and friendships in a variety of areas and they fulfil my life.

Thanks everybody.
Happy New Year.

Jacintha, Pranks and Bullying....

The 2 Day FM Jacintha Saldanha incident has turned into an enormous mess. An enormous, horrible, needless mess. Thousands of kilometres away, and without any relationship to anyone involved, I have burst into tears about it several times. This may say more about my current mental state than anything else, but it is still a terrible incident that brings to light the practices of radio that continue to poke fun at innocent people.

It is seen as "innocent fun" on radio.
But it is often seen as "innocent fun" at school, in class or the playground as well. There are rarely consequences quite as serious as this weekend's incident, but they are scarring emotionally.

I work with students who are in the firing line for "innocent fun" all the time. Year 2 girls who encourage my students to pick their noses, then getting people to watch and laugh. Or who throw a basketball on the roof, knowing that one of my students will climb up there to retrieve it; to do "the right thing". These things are funny for juvenile minds. They are abhorrent to me, but they are part of being a child I suppose. I crack down on the behaviour, but I am only one person.

But where do children learn pranks? Their parents. And.... the media.
And the media needs to start being a little more responsible for the messages they are passing onto people.

Anyway, who exactly finds prank calls funny? I find them cringeworthy and often offensive.

Yes. They have been around for decades.
No. That doesn't make it ok.

Pranks do not take into account the psychological and emotional state of the victim. And there is no justifiable apology when something goes wrong. Because it should not happen in the first place.

In this case, there are several other questions worth asking...

1. How would these 2 Dj's (and everyone involved) have felt if they were put through and found out there had been a miscarriage? Would it have been funny then?
2. Has ANYONE thought about what Prince William has been through? Is it not enough that his mother was hounded by the media; her every move scrutinised and her death horrible, as well as horribly televised? Does he need for his wife's condition to be used as a joke as well?

Sure. He gets a lot of perks in his position of birth.
But he actually never asked for it.

Kim Kardashian asked for it.
Lindsay Lohan asked for it.

To an extent, Kate has asked for it, in that she went into her marriage knowing her privacy was over. But William. Does he need this? For his child to be born in the dark shadow of another needless death.

Some people are questioning the nurse's mental state before the incident. I am not. Maybe she was highly strung. It is a stressful job.
But I do not doubt for one second, that being placed in a position looking after a member of the Royal Family, comes with it some enormous stress. Stress that none of us will ever understand. To then be pranked and, let's face it, ridiculed WORLD WIDE... would you cope with it?
I wouldn't.
The shame that woman would have felt. What a low and horrible few days she must have experienced. Not to mention the treatment she would have received at work, no matter how much the hospital claims that "no action was taken." Rubbish! She would have been at least spoken to about being "foolish" if not worse.

This incident should make many people think. Hopefully it makes everybody think. There is a fine line between "harmless fun" and bullying. There is a fine line between humour and tragedy. And we do not know what the consequences of our actions are until they happen.

One last note: those dj's will be back soon enough. Nothing surer. We will know what they are made of the next time they are asked to make a prank call.
I watched the Current Affair interview tonight. I think they were well trained to answer the questions. But I do not think they answered honestly. They "wanted to be hung up on?" They were "not proud of their coup?" That's why the clip was played over and over all week.

I hope this stuff is over.

Holiday Vibe

You know when nothing major really happens, but you think to yourself, "maybe I should not have woken up today"? Well, Cancun is giving me that feeling consistently. Possibly through no fault of its own. Just silly little things that have been happening.

I don't know if I "vibed" myself into being a little negative on the flight across. The flight attendant, before we took off, warned us about the Taxi scams and the theft. And I spent 2 hours of flying time thinking about not being ripped off by taxi drivers.
In the end the shuttle price was ok. not great, but ok. $24 US return. What puzzled me was the shocked expression when I tried to pay in pesos.

The hotel is at km4 on the Kukulcan Blvd. Which basically means 5 km from where it starts. Oops. I figured one end of Cancun was just like the other end. Which is may be. But I am guessing the middle of the Blvd is probably better than either end.
However, better just means louder and more expensive so I think i am going to get past that. There are a few small restaurants near the hotel so they will be fine.

I went for a short night walk last night. I got to the 5 km mark and walked down to the private beach there. Couldn't see anything. It was night after all. Then it started to rain. So I briskly walked to one of those local restaurants, about 300 metres from my hotel. Had some steak tacos, which were yummy. But I will not be putting the sauce on them ever again. Aiyahh! I felt the burn.

It was right on the kerb outside the restaurant where a passing bus hit the puddle. It is the same thing as the beginning credits to "Sex and the City" where Carrie cops a drenching. but hers had nothing on mine! This wave went over my head and covered me. I really wish I could have watched it back. In hindsight it would have been some top class Funniest Home Videos work.

Somewhere along the way I also managed to lose 150 pesos. It was in my pocket with the camera. I have to assume that at some point I managed to pull the money out with the camera and.... hope you enjoy it Senor Mexicano. It's my gift to you.

I hung out the soaking clothes on the balcony of my room. Did some internet surfing then went back upstairs. There is only access in the lobby. But that's ok. Got ready to sleep and went to check on the clothes. No pants! Yes, they had been blown off the balcony. They were six floors down on the ground. But I was changed out of clothes and tired, so I decided to go down first thing in the morning.

First thing in the morning, the pants were gone. Hope you enjoy them, Senor Mexicano. They are my gift to you.

So, new pants then and off to explore the place. It was nice, flat walk along the Boulevarde. Though the views for most of it is just hotel facades. I got myself from Km 4 all the way to 11.5, past the party area and down to the Convenience store for back up refreshment, before returning. Halfway back, I realised that thongs were really the wrong idea for a 15 kilometre walk. My toes were really starting to hurt. They still are. Plus I have a really hard patch on the bottom of my right foot. It'll heal.

Upon getting back to the hotel, I also realised that no matter what, my feet are always going to end up looking like I have not applied sunscreen. They are so red. The rest of me is fine. I did apply. I did reapply. But I guess my feet are so used to shelter that they overreact.

So there it is. Nothing at all dramatic. But just the wrong vibe. Cancun is a little lost on me though, to be honest. I don't think I am at the age of "Phils gone wild" any more. Will go for a dip in the Caribbean later this arv though. That is essential!

Old Prejudices Die Slowly

There was an interesting conversation in the staff room yesterday. It wasn't the one about the cost of pizzas. But it came somewhere in that discussion somehow. Or perhaps it just interupted the enthralling Pizza Comparison.
A student (I believe ex student) was being discussed; his behaviour and his issues. The question was asked, "You know he's got two dads?"
Of course, when such a question is asked my ears prick up. Because the responses that follow can really say a lot about the mentality of the people that I am surrounded by.

The responses, on this occasion, were slightly odd. But not overly surprising.
Teacher One asked, "What does that mean?"
When explained, another commented, "Oh I just thought his mum must have remarried."
Tame.
And then...
"His father is actually quite good looking, which is a shame."

And then my favourite:
"No wonder he is confused and acting out then. He would have to be trying to work it out, it's wrong."
I have always sensed that this particular teacher's husband was unnecessarily hostile towards me in social situations. I guess I need not wonder any longer.

Another teacher, before commenting, apologised to me with that "No offense" thing that people always do. Honestly though, I don't actually give a shit about outdated opinions or religion delivered beliefs. It is shallow and unresearched.

However, it is still a large reality in our "first world". Movements are being made. Things are slowly changing. But minds do not turn so quickly. This whole conversation made me think about the issue that has been on my mind for perhaps a year. Maybe more. The adoption issue.

I think that I actually would have been a fairly good father. Sometimes I am a little unstable in my behaviour, but I think a child would actually have sorted me out a bit on that score. I think I would have been firm but fair. I would not have stood for some of the nonsense that I see from some parents out in the community. My child/ children would have known respect, manners and common decency. They would have known right and wrong and they would have known that actions have consequences. Unfortunately, as demonstrated in a Primary School Staffroom yesterday, they would have known prejudice and ridicule as a result of their parent. They would be seen as abnormal and lesser people, and any imperfections would be blamed on the sexual preference of their dad. For all of the wanting that I may have had for a child, either my own or through adoption, my overwhelming fear was that I would cause a child to suffer needlessly, because of who or what I am.

I know a lot of lesbian couples, gay couples and single gay men and women are choosing to have children. This is a right that has now been granted, grudgingly. And I am happy for those who are happy to add to their family. I am sure that their children are not going without love, affection, education and protection. From where I sit, however, there remains so much prejudice, so much hate and poison; I could not allow a child into this world to be subjected to it. All the love in the world can not hide a society's hate. So, it is something I am resigned to living without.

Most of the time I am satisfied with my decision.
Sometimes I wonder though.
I could have remained in a relationship some years ago and been a co-parent of several children. Was I wrong to walk away from that? Sometimes I wonder.

But not on days where I hear such ridiculous and nasty things from educated, apparently intelligent people. On those days I know that I am protecting myself and my unknown offspring from the world of pain that continues to exist and break down all the love, care and self esteem that you can try to create for them.

 

The Life of Ruslan

Ruslan was my first dog.
Not the first dog that was ever in my life.
Not even the first dog that I bought. When I was with Adrian we bought a Border Collie whom I named Rodriguez. He lasted with us two days. I had an allergic reaction on the first. That was an expensive mistake.

Technically, Ruslan was not even my dog. I never wanted a dog of my own. For my parents and during my childhood, great! But for myself in my adult life? No. No interest. They interrupt a social life and I had enough problems looking after myself properly. Work, eating, sleeping. No, I did not need another life to worry about.

So, when Peter turned up one afternoon after work with 3 Maltese dogs, I was seriously less than pleased. Bonnie was pregnant. The other two were noisy. Really noisy. I was worried how the neighbours were going to react to having the additional noise coming from my back yard.

I soon found out how one of the would react. I have never found out which one, but the message was clear from wherever it did come. Coming home after an afternoon playing Volleyball in the city, Bonnie was bounding about at the back door. The other two nowhere to be seen. Until, we opened the back door and saw the other two, motionless and lifeless near the clothesline. It was both distressing and infuriating. The police and RSPCA were of no assistance; I was meant to keep them in the freezer and wait for someone later in the week. I had to tell them who did it or their hands were tied. I now had not only received the gift of three dogs that I had explicitly forbidden; I now had to bury two of them 24 hours later. Over the following months, I discovered that the same thing had happened to many of the neighbours- brand new dog, that lasted up to a week. Nothing anybody could do. Hope karma has bitten that person firmly in the ass by now!

So, Bonnie had to go back to Peter's family house, from where she had come. I didn't want a pet inside. And no way did I want to ever come home to another body out the back.

So, back to just us.
Momentarily.

I can not actually remember if the Sydney 2000 Olympics were on or finished when Ruslan first came into my life. Based on what I believe his birthday to be, I would have to presume that they were over. But I was ever so slightly obsessed with the Russian gymnasts either way. When Peter rolled in with 4 little babies, unable to stay at his parents place, I watched their twists and turns and rolls, and as well as falling in love, I named them all with Russian names: Alexei, Viktor, Nemov and Ruslan.

Why did Ruslan convince me I needed a dog? Why didn't the other 3? Or did they? How did I know that I would not end up allergic to another one? So many questions... I don't know the answers now. It is twelve years ago. There was no blogging and my memories have all mixed together now.

Ruslan couldn't go outside during the day, whilst I was at work. I could not risk.
Ruslan had to be monitored when he was out the back, as there was a paling missing from the fence, just large enough for him to sneak through.
Ruslan, maddeningly, used to urinate in any plastic bags that happened to be on the floor. Generally, if plastic bags were on the floor, there were things inside them. Yuk.
Ruslan was an absolute sook, afraid of everything. If he wasn't running away just because it seemed fun, he was running away because some strange or different noise had terrified him.

I have some great memories of my little baby. We used to go jogging around the lake at Glenmore Park. He was usually less puffed out than I was. He loved the car, the walks, visits to my parents.
I often came home from work and found him sitting in the middle of the dining table. If he needed to go to toilet while I was at work, and there was no plastic bag, he would walk into the bathroom and aim beautifully into the plug hole on the floor. He was so strange.

Back in the days at Glenmore Park, I was very easily distracted. Rus spent a lot of time occupying himself while I stared intently at a computer screen or the television. We had time together, but I know I could have done better.

I did worse. My dream had been to live and work in London, and in early 2004 that was the dream I was set to realise. But what of Ruslan. I briefly flirted with the idea of taking him too. But thinking of all of the quarantine issues, it did not seem worthwhile. Mum and Dad, who of course now had their dear little Cody, did not want to take on a second responsibility. Eventually, Peter's family agreed to look after Ruslan in our absence.

Look after is a very loose interpretation of what happened. Yes, they fed him. Yes, he stayed alive. But when we returned after 8 months away, my ambition achieved, we did not see the same dog. In fact, we were not completely sure that we even took the right dog away with us. Mum didn't think it was Ruslan either. He was dirty and so skinny. He was unresponsive and sad.

But he came back to us.
I was staying back with my parents at this point. I was not sure what was going on with Peter. He moved to Albury for some time and I was honestly quite happy to be back at the family home. Ruslan and Cody got to hang together and they became very close. Which is normal. Through 2005, we were all there together. Ruslan recovered from his back yard time and became a happy indoor dog again. He was terrified of everything still. Mowers, whipper snipper and most amusingly, the ironing board. Mum suggested I had hit him with an ironing board in the past. Which I did not do. Most likely the ironing board had fallen over at some point in the past, while I was at work. And he did not trust it to never happen again.

Late in 2005, I moved back out. Peter moved into his house so I went back as well. Cody and Ruslan had been together too long by now, it would have been unfair to separate them again. So, once again I left him behind.

Not for too long though. By October 2006, I was back at my family home. Depressed and not sure how to move on. Rus and I reconnected properly at this point. Somewhere up there, he must have remembered I was there back at the beginning and here I was again. He forgot all the times I had not completely been the best owner in the world.

I would hope that the second half of Ruslan's life was full of happiness. He had Cody. He had my parents who adored him. And he had me back as well. Ruslan was not an overaffectionate dog. He got what he needed from people and then went back to being solitary. It was his way. However, he chose who he was going to love and he couldn't be bothered with you if he didn't think you were worth his time. I thought about it this morning: Cody has been loved by many people who have met him. He runs and gives kisses and spreads love. But it is a selfish thing. He sees a new person and gets what he needs from them. That is what dogs do. But Ruslan was different. Ruslan decided who was getting his love. I got upset that people didn't love Ruslan as much as Cody. But I understand why now. He had to choose you.

Ruslan had terrible breath. Not just dog breath. It was awful. He constantly had rotten teeth and was almost all gums in the last few years. On two occasions, he developed a situation inside his mouth where all the glands were blocked and his face swelled up. On the second occasion some of his glands were removed. But besides this, he remained fairly healthy, active and well.

After dinner, every night, there was a routine. I would finish eating and place my cutlery on the plate. On cue, Ruslan would appear from nowhere and leap from the floor onto my lap. He would stay there for as long as I would allow. He never asked for permission. Nan used to complain that he would just leap onto her when she was sitting on the lounge. That was his love for you. Love asks no questions. For most of the time that he was around, Ruslan would charge to be with Ty as soon as he walked in the door. Wednesday morning, once my decision had been made and I left them together for a few minutes while I showered, I saw Ty cry for the first time. He knew Ruslan's love too.

I can not remember which trip it was, perhaps January when I went to Romania; mum was speaking to me and mentioned that Ruslan had sat outside my bedroom door since I left. He would not leave. I had to speak to him through the phone to get him to go and eat. He kept a vigil outside my room every time I went on holidays. I wish I had one iota of the same faithfulness and love that that boy gave to me. He was so much more beautiful that I think I deserved. Especially after I deserted him more than once. I hope I made up for it in the second half of his life.

Two weeks ago, I lifted Ruslan to give him a hug. He yelped with pain and jumped off my bed. Upon hitting the ground, he screamed again. He had a slight limp, but that seemed to fade again for a few days. By Friday, however, he was having difficulty climbing the steps. If I look back and think more closely, I realise he had had trouble climbing the steps for some time but I took it as age. By Saturday, Ruslan was having such trouble walking. He could not put any weight on his back left leg. When it continued onto Sunday, I realised that this was not a little pain that was sorting itself out quickly.

I took Rus to the vet on Monday afternoon. I mentioned that I had found a strange lump on his leg when I had given him a haircut on Sunday. The vet touched it and I knew what her face meant, even though her words were positive. More tests were required and Ruslan had an injection of sedatives.

Tuesday I received the horrible news. The X Ray showed the true horror of what Ruslan had been through for who knows how long. All the random yelps and squeals, when we thought we had just picked him up wrong, we had been disrupting the cancer that by now had overtaken him. That had spread up his knee and leg, twisting around his organs, arteries and veins. Of course you will have to operate on him, I said, whatever has to happen.
"That is not the question you need to think about," replied the vet.
I figured I had time to think about it.
But by 8 pm that evening I knew that I had no time to think. In fact, there was nothing to think about. The constant whines and yelps brought me to tears. He spat out his first pain tablet and Cody ate it. Of course! So... bugger it... I knew what had to happen. I overmedicated him. Anything to make the pain less. He slept for half an hour, before the pain woke him up. He could not lie down, he could not stay still. The only thing that calmed him was me patting him on his cancer stricken, agonisingly painful leg. It probably didn't make any difference to the pain. It was just that I was there for him.

At 3 in the morning, I rang Ty and asked him to come over. I got up and took him back to the lounge. I rocked him for an hour. Then we tried to go back to bed for a bit. He slept again for half an hour, lying on my stomach. I cried. At one point, he slipped off my stomach and yelped once more. Cody, known for not being very sympathetic to Rus' pain, just moaned and wailed in sympathy. There seemed to be shared understanding that this was it.

The rest of the story is just upsetting. And I have said it before. I am continuing to find it very difficult to cope. Or even to start looking after myself.

Fresh from getting the all clear from cancer, my mother was enjoying a trip to America with my father. I have to presume I brought that trip completely down with the news. But I had to let them know before I said goodbye to him. They didn't want to speak down the phone to him. Ty didn't want to see him before the end either. But when I called, distraught, at 3 in the morning, he came through. He told me today that he did it for me and not for Ruslan. That is logical. But honestly, he did it in part for Ruslan. Because when he chose you, he stole your heart. Although it apparently mends, he took part of mine away with him.

I don't know what I feel about heaven. I don't know how to visualise it. I don't even know whether I can completely believe in it. I just know that I have a long, long time on Earth before I can see my Ruslan again. And I don't know how I am possibly able to start down the road without him.

Some people have said that the healing begins when you get another dog. But I have another dog here. I love Cody. He is gorgeous. But he is not Ruslan. No dog will ever be Ruslan. And I don't believe that  I could willingly put myself through the past week ever again.

Harder still, my parents are away during this time. It has been doubly painful; at some point, who knows when but inevitably it will occur; at some point, I will be sitting here along again because it IS my parents I am saying goodbye to. If this one hurts so much, how do I get through that one!

I have had supportive and lovely words from so many people. So many people that have been through the same thing. Through worse. Loss of parents. Loss of children. Loss of partners. People with more reason to be sad that I do. But grief is an individual thing. And I am not ashamed to say that I am not strong. I never have been. Will I ever be?

Ruslan never judged my faults. He did hold a grudge, but he forgave eventually. Ruslan never told me I was fat, ugly, hard to deal with. I was hard to deal with. I still am. But to him I was just "dad".

So Happy Father's Day to me.
You were perfect, my beautiful boy.
I love you. But there is no way that I could give you as much love as you gave me. So I thank you and I regret that our story can not continue.

The First Morning of Cody: The Individual

I am not ready to post about Ruslan yet. I don't feel that it is something I can quickly whip up before I head off to work in the morning. I cherish that dear boy and I think I want to word that story right. So instead, I am watching the direct aftermath of our loss; particularly the impact on "baby" Cody.

Cody has always been the sick one. The needy one. He followed Ruslan everywhere. If Ruslan barked, Cody barked. If Ruslan marked a tree, Cody marked the same tree. A lot of us felt that Cody could not possibly continue to go on without Rus. But, with his medical issues, we never saw that as much of a reality.

Now it is. I watch with panic, trying to pick up on any hints that he is going to fall apart and follow his beloved brother into whatever place it is that they go to once they tire of being with us. I hope it is a better place. I hope they are happy there. And I hope they get to hang out with the ones they loved in this life. I hope Ruslan has located Nan already up there and jumped on her lap. I hope she is cursing him as we speak, like she always did. Because she "didn't like dogs". (She was lying. Ruslan loved her so much too, it is impossible she could have felt anything negative towards him)

So, it is now 6:30 am; the morning after. Yesterday was a sorrowful day.It was one of the hardest of my life. I expected this one to be worse. I expected my world to be further shattered when I woke up today.I did wake up earlier than I usually do. I lay in bed and thought about Ruslan. Everything Ruslan. Trying to keep them all happy. But the problem with that is that eventually, you reach the end of the story and you realise that no more memories can ever be stored. So of course, I started crying, as I have done so many times in the past 4 days.

At this point I should mention that Cody has not forgiven me for my "behaviour". On Monday and Tuesday, he was dirty with Ruslan as well. How dare he put on his lead and leave him behind, off in the car to somewhere. On tuesday he was especially angry. Ruslan was gone all day. Cody ran at him several times and barged him, growling and barking. Over the past week, Cody has attacked Ruslan at every scream and yelp. It waa something I could never quite fathom; if Ruslan ever indicated he was in any pain, Cody would run at him and bite. Loving!

Somewhere along the way though, Cody must have worked things out. Tuesday night was possibly the worst night of my entire life and the painful, mournful wailing will echo in my head forever. I hated myself for allowing Ruslan to ever get to that point of agony. At about 4:30 am, when he screamed in absolute agony, I expected Cody to instantly run at him. But instead, Cody rolled over and howled. I have already posted on the facbook photo how Ruslan put out his paw and touched Cody on the face when I said it was time to go. I don't think I will ever be able to picture that moment without bawling my eyes out. It was the single saddest, yet touching, moment I will ever experience between pets. I will talk about Ruslan and his paws another time though.

So, back to Cody being angry at me. He is still angry. Both those dogs can hold a mighty grudge. Cody won't be comforted by me for long at the moment. He resists my hugs and he won't look at me. This is tough, but I understand. I went away with his brother and returned with only his collar.

So, with both tears and delight I report on this morning, as I lay there crying about my baby Rus; Cody, had finally acceped my hugs and was stretched out beside my right arm on the bed. As my cries got louder and more distressing, I suddenly felt his little front paws, gripping tighter around my arm. It wasn't just a little stretch; he kept that arm in his grip for several minutes, until my crying sudsided. The little baby has stepped up!

Then we went to get up and he has ignored me again ever since. I will take that. He will forgive me at some point.

So does he miss Ruslan? I am sure he does. He goes out the back to go to the toilet and he has noone to follow. It was such an adventure before. Now, he walks a few steps, finds a spot, comes back inside. He drinks from Ruslan's water bowl. He has dragged Ruslan's pillow across the room. And this morning, he walked to every room in the house, looked in and barked. Just checking. Seeing if he will come out of any of them. He won't.

I don't doubt that his heart is broken. I am sure it is broken worse than mine. But so far he is holding together better than me, by far. I actually thought, as I went to bed last night, that I was in a better place. But this morning I can see that I won't be there for some time. But that is what grief is.

I wish cody could tell me what he is feeling. But he can't. I just have to presume he is trying to tell me that he is heartbroken, angry and in despair. But being brave and trying to look ahead. Which is where I hope I can be in good time.